Like an addict, this week I returned to my old worrying ways with a vengeance.  The unpleasantness surrounding my pay raise, in addition to my board dues, coupled with having to pay the piper for my ski trip means that I am going to have to use my credit card to help me limp from this month to the next.  I get paid on a biweekly basis … my next paycheque will reflect my new raise, but that’s not for another 10 days.  What this means is that I’ll have $80 cash in my chequing account from now until February 10th.  Not good.  I’m pretty much putting myself on a spending freeze with the exception of groceries and other essential items, which I will use my credit card to purchase. 

So of course, what do I start to do?  Well, worry worry worry of course.  What if I can’t catch up with how much is coming out of my bank account and I have to go into my emergency fund?  What about my taxes, I can’t take anything out of my emergency fund, especially because I think I may owe tax this year and my emergency fund is so small that I”m going to potentially need every penny?  What if, what if, what if.

Oh, and none of this has happened yet, but I’m living in fear as if it already has.

Again, I just need to breathe, centre, and remember that everything is going to be okay.  I haven’t starved yet, I have all the things I need, I spend time with my friends and I have embarked on a new relationship.  I don’t have any debt, the raise is going to have a huge impact on my finances, and every day I get closer to my goal of paying off the car by December 31st 2011.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I wholeheartedly threw myself back into worrying, and so I need to pull myself out again.

I’m going to recommence my meditation practice again (NO EXCUSES) and begin visualizing how I would feel if I had no worry whatsoever.  What that would feel like, what my life would be like.  I’m going to picture having enough money to do and experience whatever I want, no holds barred.  It may sound kind of new-agey, but I do believe in putting yourself in a mental state to open yourself to receiving new riches.  I haven’t done this in a really long time, which could be why things have gotten painfully tight lately.  So I’m going to give it my best shot.

The next 10 days are going to be financially some of the tightest I’ve faced in awhile.  So why worry?  It’s not like it’ll do anything.  I’ll handle things as they come, as I always do, and I’ll be fine.

Just breathe.

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Shortly after I had “the discussion” with my bosses, I took to twitter and pretty much summed it up:  it wasn’t pretty.

Essentially, I asked for some help with my professional  fees (which I must pay in order to belong to my board), hoping that would lead into a discussion about my performance, ending with discussing a raise.

This isn’t what happened at all.  I really don’t want to go into details in case they or any of my coworkers find this, but there were a lot of tears (from me), a pretty angry conversation, but in the end I was granted a raise of an additional $600 a month (essentially $7200 more per year).  Luckily, I will still be receiving bonuses, and I do want to do some work this year on my own that would allow me to hit the over $40,000 per year mark.  It’ll still be pretty tight, but considerably less so than it was.  That being said, I still haven’t quite yet relaxed.  I’ve been worried for so long about this that it seems almost intrinsic to worry all the time.  Perhaps once I see my new paycheques starting to come in (the next one will be the adjusted amount) I can relax a little more.  

I’m also going to be taking my G license test in about a month and a half.  Once I do that, it should save me a couple of hundred dollars per year in insurance.  I still have my goal of paying off my car by December 31st, 2011, which will also mean a dramatic decrease in my monthly expenses.  So the plan is that any bonuses I receive will be applied to the car.  Any extra pay I make will be applied to my car.

One of the first things I did upon learning that I’d be making more money was to call TD bank and ask them to increase my monthly RRSP contributions.  I used to contribute $50 biweekly.  I’ve increased that to $75 biweekly.  I have also started a $25 biweekly payment into my emergency fund, which is good, because I think I’m going to need it.

I’ve crunched some preliminary numbers and it looks like this year, for the first time, I may owe the government money at tax time.  This has yet to be confirmed, and usually I get a very juicy amount back from the government, but I’m not sure if that will be the case this year.  I am slightly nervous about this (even though I’m on a Worry Diet, so I’m trying not to think about it).

Worse case scenario – I dig into my emergency fund and pay it.  Or I trade in some of my RY-T stock and pay for it.  However, I really can’t panic yet, but I’m starting to mentally prepare that I may not have a return this year after all.

All in all, it’s a very good thing that I’m now earning a much higher income.  I’m excited and grateful that things won’t be as tight anymore.  I’m also trying to be a little more forgiving to myself about the fact that I do have these big expenses – I’m just starting my career, I’m investing a lot in myself and my own knowledge, and that doesn’t immediately manifest itself into income.  It takes time, and so I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is a slow process.

The fact that I have increased my retirement payments is really, really going to help not only for my longterm wealth goals, but also for my taxes next year.  I really don’t want to have to worry about paying additional taxes ever again, so the more I squirrel away in an RRSP, the happier I’ll be in the long run.

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What a crazy week.  I’m making a new rule:  no more blogging about my love life.  I don’t want to do the blogger’s version of a nude photo (ie. write something really crazy and emotionally driven, only to have it ruin something in the future).

I had a few no spend days, but I think that’s somewhat marred because I’ve been working my way through the $100 in cash that I had leftover from my first date, just in case I needed to reimburse the guy for my ticket to see Bob Saget.   I’m not very good at tracking when I’m using cash, but cash is a very useful thing to have on you when you’re out, because it avoids awkward bill-splitting.

This week was a little expensive for me because when we were at the ski hill, I whipped out my credit card first and paid for the whole thing – his ticket, my ticket and the rental equipment.  I wasn’t expecting to … she just lumped it all in together and I happened to grab my credit card first.  So I guess he and I are square in terms of splitting date expenses so far, which makes me feel good/less guilty should the relationship not go anywhere … but at the same time, yowza!!!

Here we go:

Monday January 17

NO SPEND

Tuesday January 18

NO SPEND

Wednesday January 19

$96.03 – Ski goggles, warm winter gloves, and new sunglasses since my old ones are busted

Thursday January 20

$5 - Ticket to the Comedy Bar’s Sketch Festival

Friday January 21

NO SPEND

Saturday January 22

$46.06 – Gas

$152.55 - Lift tickets for two, ski rentals (OUCH!!!!  Skiing is freaking expensive – I know I’m not going to go into debt over this so I won’t beat myself up, but yuck!)

Sunday January 23

$8 - Ethiopian dinner (we used a Groupon)

Total Spent:  $261.58

I’m asking for a performance review tomorrow, ie. a raise.  I’ve attempted this a couple of times before but wasn’t successful … at the very least I’m hoping to have some of my professional association fees covered by my bosses.  Wish me luck, I’m going to need it!

I’m also trying another challenge this week – I am eating vegetarian for one full week.  It’s been two days already since I last ate meat and I’m actually feeling it.  I feel really slow and sluggish, and I have to eat much larger portions in order to feel full.  I’m doing this because I am friends with a bunch of vegetarians and I didn’t realize this, but eating meat around some of them makes them uncomfortable.  My friends mean the world to me and so I want to try this lifestyle out.  I’ve known for a long time that it makes much more sense environmentally to be a vegetarian, but all my attempts at becoming a veggie have failed miserably.  Stakes are higher this time, let’s see how well I do.

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Today is my second day of my Worry Diet, and I’ve noticed a huge difference.  Today I received a head-hunting call for a much higher paying job in Mississauga, but I politely turned them down (it was reaaaally far, but the good news is that should I ever decide to leave my job, I now know that people are willing to pay me very well for my experience).  My boss is going to lend me his meditation CD to help purge my tension (he’s into the whole mind-body connection thing too) and I’m having dinner and a show at the Comedy Bar tonight, which I am really looking forward to.  All in all, a vast improvement over my crap migraine day yesterday.

Something else that’s cool that I’ve been noticing lately is that I used to just look forward to the weekends.  My weeknights would always just be “meh,” I would just hang out at home, but ever since the new year I’ve been out and about, hanging out with my friends, just enjoying myself.  It doesn’t even have to be expensive … skating was free (with the exception of sharpening my skates), the only real expense was the post-skating hot chocolate we enjoyed at Starbucks.

I guess what drove me to write this rather useless post was the fact that I was sitting at my desk at work thinking my usual thoughts, “I can hardly wait for this weekend!”  But then I realized, “I can hardly wait for tonight either!”  And then I realized, “I can hardly wait for Friday too!  There is so much I have to look forward to!”

Hold up.  This is one of the first times when, in the moment, I realized that my life is great and I am happy with it. I may not have as much disposable income as I want, or be living in the apartment I want, but I’m happy with who I am as a person, where I am in life, and where I’m going.  I’m even happy with the seasons; traditionally, I mope about the lack of daylight and the cold, and celebrate the arrival of spring with open arms and cocktails.  This year, I am out skating, skiing, and we’re even talking about going snowshoeing!

I’ve been so forward focusing for so long that I’ve forgotten that it’s the little things you do now that will be worth way more than money later.  I’m still excited for spring, and all the gardening, biking and pretty skirts that it will entail, but I’m not longer fixated on it as the light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m finally learning to sit back and enjoy the ride.  After all, I’m only 23 years old, life should be fun and crazy!

I brought my meditation music on my ipod today, I’ll be trying that at 1pm.  I’m going to try and make or buy a zafu meditation pillow over the next few weeks, and I’ll bring it into work.

2o11 is going to be a great year, and it already has been.  Cheers to more fun adventures!

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Day 1 of my Worry Diet has gone well, mostly because I had a migraine this morning that took out any capacity of mental reasoning.  Also, I called it the Worry Diet and not the Worry-Free Diet, simply because it sounded better that way in my head.  Je ne sais pas.

I almost wore this on my first date, but I was afraid the acorn-hat would clash with his shirt.

I’M A BAD GIRL!  Last week I forgot to include two expenses, $19 at the Pickle Barrel for dinner, and $12.84 for my movie ticket for Black Swan and a tea for the movie (on the Wednesday).  I don’t know what is wrong with me, I need to start doing this every week on Monday, or else I just get my weeks confused.

Monday January 10

$14.15 - Groceries at the IGA (which is weird, because I totally don’t remember doing this at all…thanks, Mint)

Tuesday January 11

$1.59 - Tim Horton’s coffee

$49.90 – Esso, gas

Wednesday January 12

$5.44 – Chocolate croissant and loaf of bread from Sun Valley (my GOD that chocolate croissant was heavenly!)

Thursday January 13

$3.60- Library fines

$50 - Into my RRSP (not added or subtracted to my weekly spending total)

$1.52 - Tim Hortons

Friday January 14

$137.36 - Car Payment

(I also withdrew $100 cash in case I needed to pay my date back for my ticket to see Bob Saget)

Saturday January 15

$5 - Sharpened my skates

$7 (ish) – Starbucks for post skating hot chocolate

$20 -Dinner out with the blogger ladies!!!  (Give me back my five bucks, MelanieMH, Ginger Won’t Snap, and the Asian Pear)

$2post-dinner Starbucks with the bloggers

Sunday January 16

$60.14 - Groceries

WEEKLY TOTAL$307.70 – Not bad, I could have cut out the smaller expenses that slipped in there, but on the whole they were just little things, and most of my expenses were necessities.

(P.S.  In a completely unrelated segue, I am in love with these clocks and desperately want to replace my old alarm clock with one, but they’re bloody expensive!!)

The Now and Zen Clock - works as a meditation timer or alarm clock. Me wanty!!!

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The last month of my life has been dominated by worry.

I’ve been worried about issues going on in my family … some stuff has happened that is so huge and monumental that our lives will never be the same again.

I’ve been worried about my break up … for the first time in five years, I’m single.  I don’t even really need to go into the details over why this is stressful, since ripping yourself apart from another person sort of speaks for itself.

I’ve been worried financially.  I’m desperate for more disposable income, since right now I can barely make the payments on all of my commitments.  The biggest stress is my car … the insurance, gas and monthly payments are absolutely killer.  I have a goal of being able to pay it off by December 31st, 2011.  I have no idea how I will make this happen, but I will do my best.  I’ve managed to pay over $5000 off in 6 months, but a fair chunk of that has been through unexpected bonuses and windfalls.  But with all this stress over the car, I haven’t been able to enjoy my other activities nearly as much.  I’ve had to quit pottery classes for now so that I can relax a little by eliminating one more expense.

I haven’t been sleeping.  I haven’t been eating well.  I’ve been losing weight, but I can only attribute some of it to my new exercise regimen.

I’m so stressed and bunched up in a knot that I’ve been wandering around with a dark cloud over my head for the past month.  I think people at work have noticed a difference; I’ve been getting furtive looks if I draw near.

So I quit.  Stressing, that is.  I’m going on a diet.  A Worry Diet for 21 days.  Each and every time I start to worry, I am to immediately stop and start thinking of something else.   Read the rest of this entry »

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Today I had the amazing opportunity to sit down with published children’s author, Vikki VanSickle (and yes, this is her birth name).  Vikki’s inaugural book, Words that Start with B, was launched this fall with Scholastic Canada, and was so successful that she was featured on a top ten list with Amazon, along with Harry Potter and the Hunger Games trilogy.  She’s received positive reviews left, right and centre; and meeting her in person only assured me that this dynamic woman has a long and fruitful career ahead of her.  In person, she’s energetic and friendly, but even more remarkable is her sense of humility and gratitude.

As you can tell by my gushing, I have a total (professional) crush over Vikki’s journey.

I got in touch with Vikki because she graduated a few years ahead of me from my same program at university, and because she was friends with several of my friends.  I saw that she had written a young teen’s novel and I was frankly shocked to see someone just a few years older than me who had already “made it.”  I asked a mutual friend to put us in touch, and tonight I finally got to meet her.

What I was hoping to gain from our meeting was a realistic idea of what the publishing process is like.  Anyone can write a book; but it takes another set of skills altogether to get it published.  She was completely open with me about what I should expect…I was prepared for the rejection aspect, but what surprised me was the time period.  She hypothesized that if you were to have your book picked up in January 2011, it would probably take until January 2013 for the book to actually hit the shelves.  She also warned me about the danger of self-publishing (looks extremely unprofessional), and gave suggestions for how to query at agencies throughout North America. Read the rest of this entry »

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(Side note:  I had a really great time last night with the Asian Pear, Krystalatwork, Ginger Won’t Snap and MelanieMH.  We were out for almost five hours and it was fabulous meeting the people behind the blogs.  Turns out they’re all awesome … who’d have thunk it?!)

As some of you may  know, I had a random online fling with Financial Uproar, in which he stalked my blog, found my picture and posted it on his site (see it here).  Alas, our affair is over, and I have moved on to someone who won’t be creeping around my fence.

On Friday night, I went on my “first” first date in, well, ever.  My previous beaus have all been friends who I grew closer to and … suddenly we’re dating.  So I’ve never really known what to do on a first date; as a friend I could relax, not have to worry about looking my best, and just kid around.  Plus, as friends its so easy to figure out who’s going to pay the bill … you go Dutch, because that’s what friends do.

Is this really the case?

I met my future date online, and after an hour of chatting he told me he’d really like to meet me.  I agreed … his online voice sounded really sweet (what a world we’re living in).  I figured maybe we would go out for dinner.  Instead, he asked me, “Would you be interested in seeing Bob Saget tomorrow?  He’s in town.”  Not having a sweet clue who Bob Saget was, except for being that guy on Full House, I said, “Sure!  Why not!”

Here’s where the $$$ comes in.  He then says, “Okay, the show is sold out, but I can get tickets off of Craigslist in the third row for $100 each.”

Uh oh.  In my current financial situation, that’s a lot of money.  I started to immediately weigh the pros and cons.  I didn’t want to ask flat out if we would each cover the cost of our ticket, since I didn’t want to spoil it.  I also thought it was a lot of money to spend on a comedian who I don’t even really know that well.  But, I reasoned as I wrestled with my financial sensibilities, I never really go out and have fun in the city, what do I have to lose?  Read the rest of this entry »

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Run, don’t walk, to buy this book.  I guarantee that you will not regret it.  I recently picked it up from my local library, and although I expected it to be good, I certainly wasn’t expecting to be reading a quintessential guide to writing.  I never buy books, as I always get them from the library, but I’m going to be breaking this rule after I have to return my copy.

Here’s my deal with Stephen King’s books:  I’ve only read two of them, The Green Mile and MiseryThe Green Mile was absolutely brilliant.   Misery was the same, but I have a really tough time dealing with the concept of amputation, so this book was not quite up my alley.

Aside from that, I have stayed clear of his writing because I know it’ll scare the crap out of me.  I don’t like scary movies.  I cry, huddle, and then lie awake late at night praying that a zombie doesn’t jump out from under my bed.  Similarly, I don’t like scary books.  A good, suspenseful writer such as Mr. King makes it his duty to freak you out.  Mission accomplished, sir, and so I avoid your fiction like the plague.

With this bias in mind, I absolutely loved On Writing.

I truly believe that everyone should have a mentor.  An older, experienced person to show them the ropes, coach, instruct, and pass on a legacy.  Well, this book makes you feel as if Stephen King has invited you into his home, poured you a cup of coffee, and then proceeds to tell you everything he has learned about writing after over 20 years in the business.  At the end of the book is a reading list, which makes me feel like he has assigned me homework.  I love that – I want to arise to the challenge he has presented to me, the challenge to be the best writer I can be.

I guarantee that it won’t be boring, and it should be mandatory reading for all bloggers.  Read the rest of this entry »

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If you’re my friend on Facebook, you will know that my status currently reads:

“I danced so hard at hip hop that my lungs fell out of my chest, caught on fire, and were eaten by a pack of ravenous wild dogs.  At least, that’s what it feels like.”

And it’s true.  I’m so tired from all my ballin’ moves that I can barely type.  So please forgive any lack of clarity here, the mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

This week was decent in terms of spending … I’m lucky because in this upcoming week I don’t have to worry about my internet payment, because Bell screwed up so badly last time that I have had over a month comped for me.  As a side note, Bell sucks.  When I move, I’m getting an independent service provider, no question.

Monday January 3

$82. 94 – Groceries

$161.51 - Value Village, clothing shopping spree!!!  I got 2 skirts, 5 shirts, 3 pairs of shoes, 1 pair of boots, 3 necklaces, a long wool pea coat (missing the belt, but I added my own) and purse.  Unbelievable!  I’m in love with the red tulip skirt, and I wore the black peacoat into work today.  Can hardly wait until spring to show off my new casual wear (although I wore that top grey t-shirt to work yesterday with a pair of tan slacks and a black blazer, with one of the gold necklaces.  Very snazzy!)

Tuesday January 4

$82.86 - Rebate from the Government of Canada.  Thanks, guys!

$41.50 – Parking ticket.  BOOOOO.

$40 - Registration for my 5km run (Woo woo!!!  That’s one of my goals for this year :D)

Wednesday January 5

$2.86 - Tim Horton’s coffee pour le boss et moi

Thursday January 6

NO SPEND DAY!

Friday January 7

$5.53 - the day on which I had no date, I had no plans with friends because they did have dates, so I sat in my apartment alone with my McDonald’s McValue meal.  DON’T JUDGE ME!!!!!

Saturday January 8

$16.94- Auxiliary cable to run between my keyboard and my computer.  Turns out I don’t really need it anyway because I’m getting a sound card, but I’m going to keep it and not return it, I’ll probably need it again at some point.

Sunday January 9

$54.87 – Groceries

Something I’m learning from tracking my spending is that groceries are bloody expensive.  Even if I’m not eating out, and shopping all the bargains, it costs a lot to feed me.

Total Spent$323.29 Also, I should add that my rent came out this week, which is an additional $735 (and yes, I do live in a 275sqft basement bachelor apartment, and in Toronto, this rent is frigging amazing for living by yourself)

Also … little tip from me to you.  I’ve been drinking 3 cups of a half cranberry juice, half water combination for the past two weeks and I’ve noticed a dramatic difference in my body fat.  Mind you, that’s coupled with going to the gym every other day, weight-lifting and running, but the cran-water mix is a key component of the Fat Flush Diet, and I do think it works.

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